


Past, Present, Future

by w_s



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: F/F, F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-24
Updated: 2016-11-12
Packaged: 2018-08-24 12:54:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 11,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8372989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w_s/pseuds/w_s
Summary: Lieutenant Olivia Benson is living a happy and comfortable life after many years of struggle. What happens with Alexandra Cabot walks back into her life - again?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The story is told both through the "present" (a bit in the future from Canon) and through flashbacks. It was prompted by re-watching the older seasons with Cabot in them.

The Lieutenant put her reading glasses back on and went back to the pile of paperwork that sat on her desk. It was just after one in the afternoon and Olivia hoped that she worked through lunch she would be able to finish the paperwork, get home by six, and not have to work at all over the weekend. Olivia thought back to the many years she spent not caring if she was at the precinct into the early hours of the morning or working throughout the weekend but those days were over. Those days ended the first night that she brought Noah home with her. Those days ended the moment she became a mother.  
Friday nights were now her favourite night. While she couldn’t always avoid working on the weekends she tried her hardest to avoid working on a Friday night. The only time she did now was if a major case needed her attention otherwise she dedicated that night as family night. It wasn’t a conscious decision but eventually it became pizza and movie night. She had been dating Barba for a couple of months before he asked if he could join. She had been both surprised that he wanted to come and hesitant to let him join. It took some time but eventually their relationship seemed solid enough and Barba spent more time at their apartment. Olivia forced herself to ignore the rumbling in her stomach and back to the task at hand reminding herself that if she didn’t get it done then her Friday night would not be as enjoyable.  
“I always knew you would make it.” A woman’s voice interrupted Olivia’s thoughts a few minutes later. The voice was familiar but Olivia couldn’t place it. When she raised her head she was genuinely surprised to see Alexandra Cabot leaning in the door way with a small smile.  
“Alex!” Olivia shot out of her seat and was hugging the woman a moment later. Olivia couldn’t help but notice that even though she hadn’t seen the other woman for almost five years Alex smelled the same – slightly of lavender. “I didn’t know you were back in town.”  
“I just moved back a couple days ago.” Alex explained. “Do you want to go for coffee and catch-up?”


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia had every intention of telling her boyfriend everything, not just from that afternoon, but everything over the past several years. She had every intention on telling him the things that she had never told anyone else. When she got to her apartment that evening she was going to ask Lucy to take Noah out to the park and for hot chocolate so the two of them could talk alone. However, instead of being greeted by Lucy she was greeted by the sight of Barba cooking in her kitchen and Noah standing on a stool “helping.” Olivia could not help but grin at the sight. Barba had surprised her several times over their six months together and this was no exception. He wasn’t exactly the most kid-friendly person out there but he had grown to be more comfortable with Noah.  
Olivia moved into the kitchen to greet the two of them. “I didn’t know that you could cook.”  
“I’m a man of many talents.” Barba replied. “I thought we would make pizza instead of ordering in.” He explained. The kitchen counters were covered with deli meats, cheese, various vegetables, homemade pizza dough and sauce was bubbling on the stove. Olivia told herself that she would just have to wait to talk to Rafael after Noah was asleep.  
The evening was almost perfect. In addition to making some of the best pizza that Olivia had ever had Rafael had also bought her favourite wine. The three ate and laughed and watched a silly kid’s movie until Noah fell asleep. When Olivia returned to the living room she was still grappling with how to start the conversation that she had hoped she would never have to have.  
“I have something I need to tell you.” Rafael said the moment that Olivia returned.  
“Oh, okay.”  
“I wanted to make tonight special for a reason.” Barba began. “You’ll find out officially on Monday but … I’m leaving SVU. I got a transfer to homicide.”  
“Oh, okay.”  
“I love working with SVU but I love being with you more. I don’t want to have to worry about our relationship being found out. I don’t want to have to hide our relationship. I want to be with you.”  
“Are you sure? I don’t want you to change your entire career goals for me.”  
“I’m sure and it’s not just for you. There is a lot of good work that is needed to be done over there too.”  
“Wow,” Olivia kissed him. “SVU will be hard pressed to find another ADA like you but … this means a lot. I also hate that we have had to hide our relationship.” They kissed deeply.  
“You know, you might not that be hard-pressed. Word going around is that one of your old ADA’s, Cabot, is back and put in for the position. I hear she was one hell of a prosecutor.”  
“Oh yeah. She was.”


	3. Chapter 3

The Lieutenant had hoped that Cabot wouldn’t actually apply for the position yet not a week after official word that Barba would be leaving did the DA’s office call Benson to say that they had his replacement. Alexandra Cabot would, once again, being Manhattan SVU’s ADA. The next day Cabot strode into the precinct with her usual confidence. Benson hated that her breath caught at the sight of the woman in her black skirt suit and heels. “Welcome back Counsellor.” Benson greeted.

“Thank you, it feels good to be back.” The women locked eyes for a moment before Benson had to force herself to look elsewhere.

“Everyone, this is ADA Cabot. Cabot this is the squad. Of course, you know Fin. These are detectives Rollins and Carisi.” Before Cabot was done shaking Rollins’ hand Carisi began rattling off about her former cases that he had studied. Benson quietly walked back to her office and shut the door. The reality of Cabot being back in town and at SVU for the foreseeable future hit her. It was something she had never imagined would happen. It was something that, for a while, Benson had thought about happening. She was never really sure if she wanted it to happen or not but she hadn’t thought it actually would. Now, her she was, standing in the squad room as if something had happened.

\---

_2000_

_Detective Benson pushed her short brown hair out of her face and sighed at the case files in front of her. She shook her head evidence in front of her. Munch had been right, there was something else going on with the case, but she didn’t want to believe it. She didn’t want to believe that there had been a cover-up which led to a known pedophile become the guardian of a child. The grand jury started the next day and Michael wouldn’t admit to being assaulted which meant that he would probably be convicted of murder. The sound of high heels approaching made Benson raise her head. It was late and the squad room had been empty for about an hour when Cragen left. Benson had promised him she was heading home too but hadn’t managed to actually leave. There was something else about this case that she couldn’t shake off. There was more but she didn’t know what it was. Benson was greeted with the sight of a young, tall blonde woman wearing a beige skirt suit. “Hi, I’m Alex Cabot.”_

_“Oh, hi.” Benson stood up and extended her hand across her desk. “Detective Benson, Olivia.” Benson knew that there was a new ADA assigned to the unit. Benson wasn’t sure what she expected Cabot to look like but she knew it wasn’t this. Olivia felt a flutter in her stomach that she ignored._

_“To be entirely honest I didn’t expect anyone to still be here. I was just going to drop off some files for Cragen.”_

_“Well, I shouldn’t be here and actually if you don’t mind not letting Cragen know I was still here at that’d be great.” Benson let out a nervous chuckle and pulled on her blazer._

_“Something about this case bothering you?” Cabot asked. “I mean aside from the obvious.”_

_“Yes actually.” Benson sighed. “I feel like we’re missing something here.” The two women stared at the files on the desk for a few moments in silence as if the secret was just going to jump out at them. “Well, I really should be going. Good night Counsellor.”_

_“I’m not looking to hang this kid out to dry.” Cabot’s voice interrupted Benson when she was halfway out the door. Benson turned around and looked at the woman. The confidence that she had walked in with was gone for a moment. “But I can’t change how the laws are written.”_

_“Okay,” Benson nodded and gave her a small smile. “Have a good night.”_


	4. Chapter 4

Olivia accepted the glass of wine from Alex and took a seat on the small couch in the ADA’s office. They clinked glasses in celebration of Alex winning the first case she took to trial since returning to SVU three weeks ago. “It’s been nice to work with you again.” Alex smiled and took a sip out of her own glass. “We work well together.” Olivia didn’t know how to reply so she just took another sip of wine. The two sat in silence for a few more minutes. Alex placed her wine glass on the coffee table and moved closer to Olivia. She placed one hand on the other woman’s leg and in the next moment Alex’s lips her on Olivia’s cheek and then her lips. Olivia pulled away abruptly.

“I can’t do this.”

\---

_2002_

_“I can’t do this.” Alex Cabot put down her fork and looked across the table at the detective._

_“Can’t do what? Eat your pasta?” Benson replied confused._

_“No, no.” Alex sighed. “I can’t sit here with you, every Thursday, and eat dinner and act like everything is okay when it isn’t. It isn’t okay.” Alex’s voice wavered and the confidence that the woman normally possessed was gone._

_“It’s not okay? Did I do something to upset you?”_

_“You didn’t do anything. It’s me. I … I have feelings for you and I thought that I could pretend I didn’t for the sake of our friendship but I can’t pretend anymore.” Alex felt a mixture of relief and fear as the truth came out. “You can go if you want and tomorrow we can pretend this never happened but I just had to say something.”_

_“I don’t want to go.” Olivia replied. “If we’re being entirely honest I’ve never been with a woman or even considered that I might want to but … but I like you. You make me feel different in a way that I haven’t been able to explain though I think you might have just helped with that.” Olivia reached across the table and took Alex’s hand in hers. “I don’t want to go.”_

\---

“I’m sorry.” Alex moved away from Olivia. “I know we should have talked about what me being back here meant.”

“It means nothing. It can’t mean anything.” Olivia stood up. “Alex, I’m in a relationship.”

“What?” Alex also got up. “With who? Since when? Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“I couldn’t. No one knows. We haven’t disclosed yet.” Olivia explained. She and Barba had decided to wait six weeks after his transfer to disclose the relationship to One P.P. and the D.A’s office. They thought that if they did it too soon it would be painfully obvious that the relationship had started when they were still working together.

“Barba.” Alex stated. “You really do have a thing for lawyers.” Olivia shot her a look that ended that line of joking immediately.

“I should go.”

“That would probably be best.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flashback is set after the episode "Legacy" (season 2, episode 4)

_2000_

_Alex Cabot was hunched over a cup of coffee and several stacks of papers and a couple of heavily highlighted books in her office when Olivia arrived. For a moment the detective took advantage of the fact that the woman hadn’t noticed her presence and just watched the lawyer work. It had been a tough case for everyone but Benson could see that it was really wearing on the new ADA. Benson had seen it time and time again when a new person started working with SVU whether they were a cop or a lawyer or a medical examiner a case would get to them. It was often a case with a kid and this was one was no exception. Benson, the entire squad actually, had seen the case take a toll on Munch but had almost missed the effect it was having on the young lawyer._

_“Hi.” Olivia said softly._

_“Benson, come in.” Cabot replied with a small smile at the sight of the detective. Benson took a seat across from Cabot. “What can I do for you?”_

_“Well, I actually just stopped by on my way home to see if you were okay.”_

_“Oh, well thank you but yes I’m fine.”_

_“Have you eaten dinner?”_

_“Well no.” Cabot admitted._

_“Come on, there’s a place down the road that has the best pasta.”_

_The two women sat at a small table in the corner of the restaurant. The waiter brought over two glasses of red wine and took their orders._

_“How long have you been doing this?” Alex asked._

_“I’ve been at SVU for three years but I’ve been a cop for about ten.” Benson replied._

_“Does it get … easier?” This was not the first time that someone had asked Olivia this. She took a deep sigh._

_“Honestly, it’s always hard.” Olivia replied. “It’s hard to leave work at work but you eventually learn that you can’t feel personally responsible for any of this. We just have to remember that we are doing what we can do to make this world better but we can’t … we can’t take on all the responsibility for all the bad in the world.” Olivia placed her hand on Cabot’s. “Alright?”_

_“Alright.”_

\----

“Alright,” Cabot’s voice startled the Lieutenant who had been working in her office alone for the past hour. The squad was at the hospital checking in with a possible victim but Benson had stayed behind to catch up on paperwork. Cabot walked into the office and closed the door behind her. “We have to talk.”

“This really isn’t the time or the place.” Benson replied.

“If not now, when?” Cabot challenged. Benson sighed and took off her reading glasses. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were in a relationship?”

“It wasn’t any of your business.”

“So when I first came back and we kissed you still didn’t feel like it you should maybe give me a heads-up?”

“That was a mistake.” Benson stood up and began to pace. “You can’t come back here and expect everything to be the same. You’re the one who left. You have to accept that things changed.” Olivia spat out. Silence hung between the two women as they stared at each other. Olivia could see Alex’s eyes fill with tears, a rare sight, but she refused to let it break her.

After what felt like several minutes, but in reality was only a couple moments, Alex tore her eyes away from Olivia’s and turned to leave. Olivia felt herself start to deflate but stopped herself from calling out after the woman. Alex pulled open the door. Both women were startled by the sight of Rafael Barba standing on the other side of the door. Alex said nothing as she walked past the man and out of the precinct. Olivia just stared straight ahead at her boyfriend holding two cups of coffee.


	6. Chapter 6

Space. He had said he needed space. Over a week had passed and there had been no contact. Olivia had had to force herself on several occasions not to text or call him but with each passing day it got harder. She found herself hanging around the courthouse longer than necessary in hopes of seeing him but she never did. She was constantly checking her phone in hopes of seeing his name on the screen but never did. Olivia kept replaying the argument they had had after Alex left her office. It was short. She wanted him to stay so they could talk it out but he insisted on leaving. She had only seen him have that look on his face once before – when he found out about her relationship with Tucker. Olivia gave him space but after over a week she couldn’t take it any longer. He wanted space but what about what she wanted?

After getting off work late Wednesday night she found herself driving to Barba’s apartment instead of her own. She already had Lucy staying overnight since she was unsure when she would be able to get away that night due to the complex case they were dealing with. The doorman recognized her and let her up to his apartment. She knocked sharply three times and waited. Silence. Her first thought was that he might not be home and then realizing that it was nearly one o’clock in the morning she realized he might be asleep. She started to turn away but then heard someone walking and the sound of a deadlock being unlocked. The man who opened the door only vaguely resembled the Rafael Barba that Olivia knew. He looked exhausted and not just due to the late hour. It looked as though he hadn’t slept in days. He had large dark circles under bloodshot eyes and he was in desperate need of a shave.

“Hey,” Barba said flatly. The two looked at each other for a moment neither sure what to say.

“Did I wake you up?” Olivia asked.

“No, I wasn’t sleeping.” Barba replied. “Come in.”

Olivia sat awkwardly on Barba’s couch. It took her a moment to realize what was wrong but then it set in. The place was messy. It wasn’t as messy as many people’s, including hers, apartment but it was messier than she had ever seen it. The coffee table and small kitchen table were both covered in newspapers and legal pads. The kitchen counter had dishes and old take-out boxes spread across it. He returned with two glasses of wine, handed her one, and sat on the recliner. “So, what brings you here at one in the morning on a Wednesday?”

“I had to see you.” 

 “I was going to call.” Rafael muttered. “I … I just didn’t know what to say.”

“That’s a first.” Olivia had meant it to sound like a joke but the words came out harsh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I know.” He replied but his tone was still flat.

“I’m really sorry that I didn’t tell you about my past with Alex.” Olivia sighed. “It’s just … I never told anyone about it before. It wasn’t that I was trying to hide that an ex was in my life again. I just didn’t know how to admit that I had been involved with … a woman.”

“I get that would be hard for you.” Rafael responded as he moved onto the couch next to her. “But I don’t get why you didn’t tell me. I told you that I was bisexual before we even started dating. How could you think that I would react poorly to the fact that you dated a woman?”

“I … I don’t know.” Olivia admitted.

“Which makes me think that it wasn’t just that but something else too.” Barba stood up. “You clearly aren’t over her, not entirely and I can’t come second.”

“Raf,” Olivia stood up and walked towards him. “You … you’re the person I want to be with.”

“Are you over her? Completely?”

“It’s complicated with her. She left so abruptly and there were a lot of unanswered questions.”

“So, no?”

“But Raf, I love you.”

“I’m sorry Liv but I can’t do this.”

\---

_1988_

_Rafael Barba stepped out into the snow covered streets of the South Bronx. He zipped his jacket all the way up, put his head down, and began to walk down the street to Eddie’s house. He hadn’t seen his friend, or anyone from the neighbourhood, since he had left for Harvard nearly four months ago. He had waited as long as possible after the start of winter break to leave school but eventually, on December 23 rd, he couldn’t put it off any longer. Rafael spotted two people standing with their arms around each other in front of Eddie’s apartment building as he approached. At first, he didn’t think twice about them but as he got closer and he could recognize the person facing him through the snow. Rafael didn’t know that his old friend Alejandro had a girlfriend and was excited to see who the she was until he got closer. The look on Alejandro’s face told him that something was off and a moment later the girl turned around and Rafael was greeted with the face of Yelina – the girl who had broken up with him almost two months ago.  _


	7. Chapter 7

_2003_

_Detective Benson’s ears were still ringing from the explosion. After giving her initial witness statement she headed straight for the back of ambulance where Cabot sat. Physically, she was fine but Benson knew the blank look on the woman’s face – she was still in shock. Benson was unsure of how to be approach the situation. She wanted to throw her arms around Alex and hold her and tell her that everything was going to be okay but she couldn’t do that anymore. They had broken up, for the second time in the past two years, about two months ago. While they still had to work together, and did so with professionalism and at times even friendliness, they were no longer a couple. Olivia had been the one who wanted that but ever this case had her questioning if that right. Benson had even asked Alex if she wanted to stay at her place that night before the bomb went off. She had mentally berated herself for crossing that line._

_After Elliot excused himself to call Kathy and update her Alex turned to Olivia. “Does that offer to stay the night at your place still stand?”_

_“Of course.”_

_\---_

_Olivia was making up the couch when Alex appeared from the washroom. She had taken a shower and was wearing the sweat pants and well-worn NYPD t-shirt that Olivia had left out for her. “What are you doing?”_

_“Making the couch up for myself.” Olivia replied._

_“Oh, I was just thinking that … well, could you maybe sleep in the bed with me? Just as friends. I’m not going to try anything I swear but I … I don’t really want to be alone.” Alex explained. Olivia saw a very rare look on Alex’s face. She looked vulnerable. Scared._

_“Of course.”_

\---

Olivia knew that she should go home yet she found herself once again driving to someone else’s place instead of her own. It was just after two in the morning and every rational part of Olivia’s mind was telling her to just go home yet instead she was standing at front door of Alex’s apartment building and dialling her number. Alex answered on the second ring. “Liv, are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I’m outside.”

“Hang on, I’ll buzz you up.”

It was obvious that Cabot hadn’t been sleeping. She had taken off her blazer but was still wearing her suit pants and blouse. Her coffee table was covered with case notes. Alex motioned for Olivia to sit down on the couch and made a small attempt to tidy the table. “So, what’s wrong?” Alex asked.

“What?”

“Liv, I may not be a detective like you but I do know that people don’t show up randomly at someone else’s apartment at two in the morning when everything is fine. So, what’s wrong?”

“My relationship is over.” Olivia replied plainly.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear.”

“Are you?”

“Whoa, I didn’t really invite you up at two in the morning so you could attack me.”

“I’m sorry, I … it’s been a long day.” Olivia sighed. “It’s not your fault that Rafael broke up with me. It’s my fault. I never could admit to our relationship. If I had just told him when you came back, if I had told you that I was in a relationship, if …” Olivia trailed off.

“Liv, I really am sorry about all of this.” Alex placed her hand on Olivia’s. “I’m sorry that I kissed you when I came back … and again in my office.”

“It’s not your fault.” Olivia replied. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about Rafael.” The two women sat in a comfortable silence for several minutes their fingers still interlocking. The reality of the late hour hit both of them and they closed their eyes.

“I’m sorry that I left.” Alex whispered as they both fell asleep.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next couple chapters are going to be short and only flashbacks to give some more context/explore the Cabenson past.   
> This one is set during the episode Ghost

_2005_

_Knowing that Alex was alive had been comforting. Knowing that she may never be able to speak to Alex again had been heart-breaking. For two years Olivia had wondered where the ADA was and if she was ever going to see her again. When she turned around in that office to see Alex Cabot standing there she was met with a mix of emotions. She wanted to wrap her arms around the woman, she wanted to kiss her, she wanted to ask if she was okay, she wanted to berate her for putting her life on the line for coming out of witness protection. Instead, she just gave a small smile and felt herself relax a bit more than she had since Alex had left._

_The night before Alex was due to testify in court Olivia arrived at Alex’s hotel room to relieve Elliot and be her security detail for the rest of the night. The two quickly fell into the old habit of confiding in one another. Even before their relationship became romantic they were each other's confidants both when it came to professional and personal matters. That had only become a stronger bond after they started seeing each other. The first time they broke up neither had been prepared for how much it would hurt to also lose the person you told everything to. The great irony was that the person both would have gone to to cry over a break-up was each other. When they got back together those old wounds healed yet the relationship has once again come to an end. When Alex left Olivia had felt upset and angry but she never blamed Alex_ _– how could she? She knew that Alex had to leave if she wanted to live. When she had insisted on seeing Olivia and Elliot the night before she was given a new identity and new life Olivia felt like her heart had been ripped out of her. The news that Alex had died had been devastating. Olivia had sat on her living room floor and cried the entire night at the loss. Learning that Alex was alive but had to leave was just as painful but in a different way. Olivia was happy that Alex was alive but not knowing if she would ever get to the see or touch the woman again shattered her heart all over again. Olivia had spent the better part of the past two years in a sea of regret and “what-ifs.” Work had provided a good distraction until Alex Cabot’s face appeared on the screen and the two cases became instantly intertwined._

_All of the sudden Alex was back in the detective’s life and now the two stood in the small hotel room and looked out onto the city. Even though it was the city that never slept it looked somewhat peaceful at night from so up high. The street lights almost serene. The conversation quickly shifted from casual to the realities of Alex's new life. When she admitted to having a boyfriend Olivia felt like an ice pick went through her gut. She knew she shouldn’t feel hurt. They weren’t together. They hadn’t even been together when Alex went into Witness Protection. Yet, it hurt but Olivia wasn’t mad. She couldn’t be. She couldn't be mad at Alex for living even if she found herself stuck in the past._

_Olivia stood in Cragen’s office with a bottle of Champagne. The sight of someone walking towards the door made her heart beat faster. “Is it her?” She asked excitedly . The past few days since Alex's return had been unbelievably hard and impossible but Olivia had watched with pride as Alex fought past her fear and testified. Olivia watched as Alex stared down the man who had attempted to kill her and challenge him. Olivia watched as Alex helped the young boy, Antonio, who had seen more horror than any child, or person, should face his own fears and testify. It had been worth it - they had won. Olivia couldn't help but feel excited as the door opened only instead of the ADA it was a man who worked for the bureau._ _He explained that Alex was back in the witness protection program with yet another new identity._

_“She wanted me to say goodbye for her.”_

_Olivia felt deflated. Alex was gone again – maybe forever. Alex was gone and she didn’t even say goodbye. Olivia didn't feel sad - Olivia was angry._


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during "Lead" when Alex returns for the second time - we will get back to the present time eventually but I'm having a lot of fun re-watching old episodes and seeing all the Cabenson

_2009_

_When Olivia had first heard, through the grapevine, that Alexandra Cabot was out of witness protection and back in New York her immediate impulse was to call the woman. She had managed to wait for  a few weeks but eventually, one lonely evening, she found herself calling. She left a quick message and waited anxiously for the next few days to hear back. She asked the rest of the squad and other ADA’s if anyone had heard from Cabot but no one had. She called every few weeks in hopes of hearing back but never did. Eventually, she stopped trying and forced herself not to think about Cabot. Eventually three years had passed with no word from Alex. That was until the surprise murder of a recently convicted child molester had the squad standing on the street waiting for Cragen and Greylek to give them the okay to enter._

_“It’s not Greylek.” Fin stated and when Benson turned around she wasn’t sure who she was expecting to see but she had definitely not expected the tall, blonde ADA to be striding towards them._

_“Alex.” Olivia breathed, eyes wide with shock._

_Three years. Alex had been out of witness protection for three years. Olivia was torn. Part of her wanted to wrap her arms around the other woman while the other part of her wanted to yell at her and demand to know why Alex hadn’t returned any of her calls. All she could do was stare at her – wide-eyed._

_The two women found themselves, for the first time in five years, sitting at the small Italian restaurant they used to frequent. They sat awkwardly over a bottle of red wine and waited for their entrees. Neither knew how to start this conversation after so long. “Why didn’t you call me?” The words tumbled out of Olivia’s mouth. She had been trying so hard not to say anything but the words came out anyways._

_“Like I said before I tried but I … I just couldn’t.” Alex replied. “When I came back my old life was gone and I figured if I was going to lose everything good I should at least be able to forget the bad. I wanted to forget it all.”_

_“Why did you come back now?”_

_“McCoy asked me.”_

_“You could have said no.”_

_“Alright,” Alex sighed. “The truth? I spent the last three years trying to start a new life here in New York. I had my identity back but everything else was gone. I tried to move on and forget but I couldn’t. I was miserable. I couldn’t move on because … because I left so many loose ends.” Alex reached out and took Olivia’s hands in hers. “I’m so, so sorry for not calling you but … can we try again?”_

_“Alex …”_

_“Look Liv, I don’t know how long I’ll be at SVU before they put me back in appeals but I know that I agreed to come back because I had to see you. I … I love you Olivia.” The two had never shared those words. Alex’s confession hung in the air between them as the waiter brought their dinners. Neither moved to start eating. Neither moved at all. Olivia opened her mouth only to shut it again – unsure of what words might come out if she started to speak. Alex sat frozen, unblinking, afraid that if she did tears would fall down her face. They sat for several moments until finally Olivia let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding._

_“I love you too.”_


	10. Chapter 10

_2009_

_Olivia Benson splashed water over her face in an attempt to wake up. The two cases, Nikki Sherman’s rape case and the death of Elliot’s son’s friend Shane, had kept her up for the majority of the past two days. Aside from some quick shut-eye in the bunks at the precinct she had been up and working non-stop. She knew that she should go home but she found herself directing the cab to Alex’s apartment instead._

_Cabot looked as exhausted as Olivia felt. She was still dressed in her skirt but had thrown a sweat-shirt over her blouse and her hair was thrown up into a messy bun. When she opened the door she didn’t say anything to Olivia rather she just turned away and left the door open. Olivia assumed this was an invitation and followed her inside. Cabot topped off her own wine glass and filled a second one for the detective. The two women stood awkwardly in Alex’s kitchen._

_“I heard you re-filed.” Olivia broke the silence._

_“Yes and I added charges.” Alex replied. “Still think I can’t do my job?”_

_“Alex …” Olivia reached out to touch the woman’s arm but Alex jerked away._

_“You don’t get to come over here and comfort me when you’re part of the reason I had a bad day.”_

_“Hey, you’re the one who wanted to try again but I can’t not do my job because we’re …” Olivia trailed off._

_“You can’t even say it?” Alex scoffed. “After all this time you can’t admit, even to me, that we’re in a relationship?”_

_“It’s not like that.”_

_“Yes, actually it is.” Alex began to pace. “I know that we can’t disclose because of our jobs and maybe our jobs is part of the reason we shouldn’t be together but you can’t deny that you have problems with the fact you’re dating a woman. You always have.”_

\----

_2009_

_Olivia and Alex were always both surprised how quickly they could put their relationship aside and go back to working together. It was the nature of the job. There was too much at stake to let their personal lives and problems stop them from working. It was exactly pleasant, whenever they were alone it was tense, but they got the job done. The only problem was when they both went home alone and lonely. But every morning they would get up, go to work, and pretend that they didn’t miss each other. Pretend that nothing was wrong. It worked. It worked until it didn’t. It worked until Babs Duffy and LesBeStrong walked into the precinct._

_“Believe me I know how difficult it can be, conflicting feelings, but the heart wants what the heart wants.” Babs’ words kept replaying through Olivia’s head._

_“Babs, you’re bisexual. That’s the truth.” Olivia’s own hypocritical words popped into Olivia’s head. She tried to think of something, anything, else but she couldn’t. All she could think about was how she had lost Alex, again, because she couldn’t admit that she wasn’t straight. That she had told Babs she was bisexual and it was okay yet told herself she straight and that being with Alex didn’t threaten that. Olivia never considered herself to be homophobic yet at the same time she had been denying her own sexuality for so long and so aggressively._

_The creep had confessed and was agreeing to plead guilty. The precinct had been empty for nearly an hour and Olivia had stayed to work though she had gotten little accomplished. The sound of heels clicking down the hallway pulled Olivia out of replying the last few days over in her head and back to reality._

_“I figured I’d find you hear.” Alex said and she strode towards Olivia. She perched on the edge of Elliot’s desk. “That was quite a … performance.”_

_“Who says it was a performance?” Olivia replied. “Look, I’m not a lesbian. I like men but I also, obviously, like … well you. I’m bisexual. I’m not sure if I’m going to tell the world quite yet but I can admit to myself and I … I think that is what matters most.”_

\---

_2009_

_Alex Cabot prided herself on not getting overly emotional when it came to cases. Passionate, yes, but emotional no. When she had first started working for the DA’s office she had struggled with that but she quickly built up a thick skin. When she first started working as an ADA she was only twenty-seven and she knew how people saw her as a young, blonde woman and she tried very hard to combat that by detaching herself emotionally from cases. Cabot wasn’t sure what happened with this case. It started with Laney Mcallum, a twenty-four year old who had been raped, and then died from an infection in the hand that was cut during the rape. Cabot watched the woman die after taking her dying testimony. Olivia held the woman’s hand while Cabot stood and tried to figure out how someone could go from perfectly fine to raped and then dead only days later. Cabot thought that was bad enough but was proven wrong when she finally got the chance to talk to Nardalee, a woman from the Congo, who had been gang-raped and forced into a marriage with a war criminal. That night Olivia and Alex shared a drink and outrage over the fact that Nardalee couldn’t get asylum based on the fact that she was a rape victim. Olivia offered to walk Alex home from the bar and, for the first time since she was a new lawyer Alex began to cry over case. It started slow and before she knew it her cheeks were covered in tears and Olivia’s arms were wrapped around her._

_When the guilty verdict came down Cabot did not feel the usual sense of satisfaction. She was happy, of course, to have gotten justice for Laney but it didn’t feel like enough. She slipped out of the courtroom and back to her office where the papers she had collected that day were waiting. She signed them and brought them to the D.A. before she could talk herself out of it and called back the International Criminal Court task force. She hadn’t meant for Olivia to find out through Nardalee and while the detective kept up appearances in front of Stabler she knew there was a conversation waiting for her that night._

_“I’m going to miss you, of course, but how can I be mad? You’re doing such a great thing.” Olivia smiled. “I’m sure it will be hard what with you in Holland and then god knows where after the task force gets off the ground but a lot of people do long distance.” Alex stood up and walked across Olivia’s living room. She couldn’t handle sitting there and looking the woman in the face while she said the next words._

_“Olivia …” Alex took a deep breath. “I don’t think long distance will work and I don’t want to drag this out. I don’t want us to break up over a long distance phone call a few months down the road.”_

_“Alex,” Olivia walked towards the other woman. “You’re the one who wanted to try again. You said that. When you came back to SVU you said you wanted to try again and … and now you’re leaving again and giving up on our relationship? Just like that?”_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last of only flashblacks - all set during season 11 (turmoil, P.C. and then Witness)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The flashback is set when Alex returns from the ICC at the beginning of season 13 before the case breaks

Olivia watched the early morning sun peak through the curtains and highlight the other woman’s face. They had been seeing each other again for two weeks and it often didn’t feel real. It was the first night Alex had stayed over and Olivia couldn’t deny that it felt nice to wake up next to her again after so many years. It hadn’t been immediate after her break up with Rafael. Olivia refused to let herself rebound back to Alex but as the weeks passed she could not deny her feelings for the woman had resurfaced. Olivia wondered if she was crazy for trying again with Alex. They had been on and off again for so many years. Their relationship had failed many times for various reasons. The first two times they broke up it was because Olivia was unwilling, or unable, to admit and accept that she was interested in a woman. While she didn’t think herself to be homophobic lingering shame from what she heard growing up took over and made her struggle with her sexuality. Then for years Alex was in and out of Olivia’s life, and when she left for D.C. a few years ago Olivia was sure that was the end but it wasn’t – it never was. Somehow, they always kept coming back to each other.

Olivia watched as Alex slowly opened her eyes. “Hmm, I love weekends where we can sleep in.” Alex threw an arm across Olivia’s waist and curled up close to her.

“It’s six in the morning and Noah will be up any minute.” Olivia replied with a chuckle. “Sorry, no sleeping in anymore. Do you mind watching for Noah while I shower? I should have time before he gets up but just in case.”

“Oh, yeah. Sure.”

When Olivia came out of the shower she was surprised to hear noises coming from the kitchen and even more surprised when she saw Alex, whom she had never seen cook before, making breakfast. Well, attempting to. Noah was sitting at the table while Alex was frowning at something in a bowl. “I … I was going to make pancakes but …”

“You don’t know how?”

“I thought I did.” Alex replied. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine, thanks for trying.” Olivia smiled. “Why don’t I take over?”

“You cook now?” Alex went to the coffee pot and filled two mugs.

“You can’t only eat take-out when you’re a Mom.” Olivia smiled. “Are you busy today or can you come with us to the park?”

“The park sounds great.” Alex smiled and slid onto a chair. Olivia smiled at the woman and wondered how she could have once written the woman off.

\---

_2011_

_The past few days had been hell for Detective Olivia Benson and she was feeling the physical and emotional exhaustion. She sat at her kitchen table, surrounded by unread newspapers, and the untouched Thai food she had picked up on the way home. It had been her intention to pick up one of her favourite dishes to see if she could get herself to eat something yet it sat there getting cold, untouched. When her intercom buzzed she barely had the energy to walk across the room to answer it. The only reason she did was the hope that it was Stabler who had not returned any of her calls since the shooting. “Yes?” Olivia spoke through the intercom._

_“Olivia?” It was a woman’s voice. It was a woman’s voice she had not heard in nearly a year. It was a woman’s voice she thought she may never hear again. It was a woman’s voice she wasn’t sure if she wanted to hear again. “It’s Alex.”_

_Olivia still wasn’t convinced that the woman was back even after opening the door. “When did you get back?” Olivia said in way of a greeting._

_“This morning.” Alex replied. “Can I come in?”_

_“Sure.” Olivia could feel her anger at the woman start to subside and she hated that. She wanted to stay mad at the woman who had broken her heart and then showed up over a year later as if nothing had happened. The two sat on opposite ends of the couch._

_“They’ve asked me to come back to SVU. I start tomorrow.”_

_“Is that why you came back?”_

_“No, I was already planning on returning. The D.A.’s office heard and asked if I’d take up my old position since you don’t have an ADA right now.”_

_“Well, I guess I’ll see you at work then.”_

_“Liv, can we talk? I hate the way we ended things.”_

_“You.”_

_“What?”_

_“It’s the way that you ended things. You’re the one who wanted our relationship to end. That was your choice.”_

_“Liv …”_

_“No, Alex. You don’t get to do this. You get to come back, again, and pretend that everything is fine, again.” Olivia stood up and walked towards the door. The last thing she needed, on top of everything with Stabler, was to deal with a surprise visit from Alex. Olivia opened the door. “I think you need to leave.”_


	12. Chapter 12

Rafael Barba sat in the back of the cab anxiously. He had fully intended on not going to the party and making up an excuse until Carisi had stopped by his office that morning. “Come on Barba it’s her birthday. You can take the night off.” Carisi had pleaded with the other man. Somehow, he had been successful because he was now sitting in the back of a cab with a bottle of his favourite scotch, a bottle of wine that he hoped Rollins would like, and a sweater that he really hoped she liked because when it came to women’s fashion he was sort of clueless despite always dressing himself well. It wasn’t that he had anything against Rollins, actually he had always quite liked her, but he knew that Olivia would be at the party. For the past six months he had managed to not see her and while he would never admit it there had been times at the courthouse he had slipped into a staircase of the men’s washroom when she was down the hall. He hated that he was acting like a child but he also did not want to come face to face with his ex.

Rollins apartment was already full of people when Barba got there which wasn’t surprising because he was nearly an hour late. Rollins opened the door with a large smile, “Counsellor, you came.”

“Of course,” he replied and held out the bottle of wine and package.

“You got me a present?”

“That is what one tends to do for birthdays,” he replied dryly. “If you don’t like it I put the gift receipt in there too.”

Barba did a quick scan of the apartment on his way to the kitchen to get a glass for his scotch and he saw Olivia. The Lieutenant was standing near the window dressed in a knee-length black dress. She was chatting to a couple police officers that Barba recognized and next to her was Alexandra Cabot. Barba forced his eyes away and poured himself a glass of scotch. Luckily, a moment later Carisi arrived and began to talk Barba’s ear off about the work that he had been doing in homicide the last few months. Barba, glad for the distraction, didn’t feel annoyed by Carisi’s enthusiasm for once.

Part way through the party Barba slipped onto the balcony for some fresh air. He had managed to avoid Olivia the entire night which, considering no one knew that they had been dating and then broke up, proved to be a bit difficult at times but not impossible. Barba leaned on the balcony railing and looked out onto the city when a voice startled him, “Hey,” he turned to see Olivia standing in the doorway. “Mind if I join you?” Barba shrugged and the woman stepped it onto the patio. “How have you been?”

“Good,” Barba replied flatly. “You?”

“Good.” Several moments passed between them. “I … it’s been weird not having you around.”

“Look, Liv. I came to help Rollins celebrate her birthday not to … I don’t know hash out every detail of our failed relationship.” He turned to head back into the apartment but Olivia’s hand on his elbow stopped him.

“Raf …” Olivia’s voice almost broke. “I’m sorry.”

\---

_2016_

_“I’m sorry.” Barba backed away from Olivia with his hands up. “That was so inappropriate.” For months, years even, he had found himself thinking about kissing her so many times but he had always known he couldn’t cross that line. He wasn’t sure what happened that night. He wasn’t sure if it was because of the several glasses of wine they had shared over dinner. He wasn’t sure if it was because she confided in him that her relationship with Tucker had ended nearly two months ago. He wasn’t sure what it was but when he had walked her to her door she had hugged him goodbye. She felt warm in his arms despite the snow that was falling around them. As the started to disengage Barba found himself pressing his lips against hers. The next moment he jumped away and started to apologize._

_“Relax.” Olivia moved towards him. “It’s okay.” She took his hands into hers and smiled. “Really, it’s fine.” This time it was Olivia who put her lips on his._

 

 

 

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had such good momentum going with this and then life got insane for a week so sorry about the hiatus

When Alex had seen Olivia and Barba standing on the balcony together she told herself not to be jealous. She told herself that it was ridiculous to think that the two would never talk again. They had shared friends and had known each other before they started dating. It wasn’t exactly reasonable to think that they would never talk to each other again yet Alex felt a pang of jealousy as she watched her girlfriend place her hand on his arm. Alex turned away. She told herself that it she was not the kind of jealous person who spied on her partner but she was also worried about what she might see if she kept looking. The past few months with Olivia had been good but not great. There was something in between them and Alex was fairly certain it was a combination of Olivia not being over Barba and their fraught past. Alex told Olivia that she had to catch up on some paperwork and couldn’t spend the weekend with her though that was only partially true.

The following week was the start of a trial for SVU and the two women only saw each other during work until Thursday night. Alex had been at the office until well after dinner but Olivia had told her to come over anyways. “You learning to cook has been a god-send.” Alex said as she dug into the stir-fry that Olivia had made that night.

“I always could cook.” Olivia defended and Alex raised an eyebrow. “Remember that one time I made you chicken soup when you were sick!”

“About that …”

“You said it was good.”

“I didn’t want to hurt your feelings but it wasn’t being sick that stopped me from finishing the bowl.” Alex admitted with a small grin.

“No!”

“Well, you’ve redeemed yourself.” Alex smiled. “Wow, do you realize that was over ten years ago?”

“Yeah, I guess it was.” Olivia replied.

“A lot has changed.” Alex sighed and reached out for the other woman’s hand. “When I came back to New York I didn’t think you would want to see me.”

\---

_2011_

_The moment that Alex opened the door to her apartment it was clear what she wanted to talk about. The small living room was filled with un-filled boxes and a suitcase. “You’re leaving again.” Olivia stated before Alex had a chance to start explaining._

_“Well, yes.” Alex sighed. “I got a job offer in D.C.”_

_“And you’re taking it? You just got back a few months ago.”_

_“I know but it feels like the right decision.” Alex explained. “Ever since I came back here I feel like I don’t belong. I feel like I’m trying to fit back into a life that doesn’t exist anymore.” Impulse took over Olivia and she wrapped her arms around Alex’s waist and kissed her. The kiss was long and full. It was one of those kisses that communicated feelings more than words every good. Olivia could feel tears escape her eyes but she did not stop kissing the woman. They held onto each other. They held onto what they knew was already gone._

_“Good luck.” Olivia choked out as they still held onto each other._


	14. Chapter 14

When Olivia saw him striding down the courthouse hallway, briefcase in one hand and coffee in the other, her first impulse was to look for somewhere she could duck into to so they wouldn’t have to talk but it was too late. It was clear they had both seem each other and either walking away would have been painfully obvious. After the party a couple of weeks ago that seemed too harsh. She couldn’t help but notice how good he looked. He was wearing of her favourite three-piece blue suits and a tie that she had actually bought him when they were together.   
Benson managed a small smile as they came face to face. “Off to court?” She asked hoping the tone sounded friendly.   
“Just left an arraignment.” He replied casually. “You?”  
“Waiting for the jury to come back.” She replied and an awkward silence fell between them.   
“Do you want to grab lunch?” The words came out before Barba could stop and think about their implications or repercussions. He missed Olivia and not just as his girlfriend but as his friend. He missed talking with her over lunch or grabbing a quick coffee together in the morning before work. He missed seeing and talking to her every day.   
“Oh,” Olivia was clearly taken aback.   
“Sorry, I shouldn’t have –“  
“Yes,” Olivia smiled. “That sounds nice.”   
They sat at the sushi place down the road that he had introduced her to years ago before they were even dating. Being a cop Benson knew of many take-out places that were reasonably good, affordable and fast but Barba introduced her to other restaurants. He loved food and loved to show her different places that she had admittedly walked past many times but never went inside. He showed her everything from upscale sit-down dinner places to a food truck that made unbelievably good burritos. As they sat there she realized that it had been several months since they sat down together and the thought made her have to choke back tears. “How’s homicide going?”  
“It’s good.” He replied. “It’s not the same as SVU though. I’ve actually been talking to the Brooklyn DA and might transfer back to work SVU there.” Olivia felt her stomach tighten with guilt as they both remembered the reason he left SVU in the first place. Luckily, the waiter brought over the first round of sushi and tempura they ordered.   
“How’s Noah?” Barba finally asked. There was no denying that while he missed Olivia he also missed that boy. It hadn’t been exactly easy but overtime they had bonded. He felt guilty for leaving the child’s life so abruptly.   
“He’s good.” Olivia replied with the smile that always crossed her lips when she spoke about her son. “Preschool is going well.”   
“That’s great Liv.” Barba replied warmly. The two ate in silence for several minutes. Olivia kept catching herself looking at the man a little too closely. He looked tired. He looked more tired that he normally did. There were dark circles under his eyes and his jaw line was covered in stubble.   
“How are you?” The words finally slipped out of Olivia’s mouth.   
“I’m fine.” He replied casually.  
“No, really. Are you okay?”  
“Honestly …” He sighed. “Not really. My Mother is … sick. She insists that it is nothing serious but they made her take time off work. She hasn’t taken time off from work my entire life which makes me think it’s a lot more serious than she has been telling me. It’s been over a month now and … I’m really worried.”  
“Raf,” Olivia instinctively reached out for his hand and he didn’t pull away. “I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do?”  
“Sitting here with you … this is great.” Their eyes locked and both had to stop themselves from leaning across the small table and kissing. “I’ve missed you.” He practically whispered.   
“I’ve missed you too.”


	15. Chapter 15

Lunch had been great. After the initial awkwardness they had gone back to talking and laughing as they used to. They both would have gladly sat there for the rest of the day and chatted but after a little over an hour they both had to go back to work. It wasn’t until they went their separate ways that the guilt hit Olivia. She felt sick. She wondered when she became this kind of person. She wondered if it was possible to be in love with two people. She wondered what Alex would say when she told her. She wondered what she wanted. She spent the rest of her day only half present. Her mind kept replaying the lunch with Barba and the way it made her feel. Eventually, at just after five, she called it a day but called and asked Lucy if she could watch Noah a little longer and instead of going home she went to Alex’s office.   
Olivia found the woman sitting at her desk working and wearing headphones which was to be expected. The door was open and for a moment the Lieutenant stood in the doorway. She looked at the other woman and couldn’t help but think back to sixteen years before when Cabot was first assigned to SVU. She thought back to the friendship and relationship that development. She thought back to the way that Alex made her heart pound. She remembered the confusion that she felt over the way that the other woman made her feel. She thought back to the times she had hurt Cabot by insisting she was straight or that their relationship couldn’t be discussed. She thought back to the times she broke up with her just so she didn’t have to admit the truth. She remembered the heart-break of those times and the heart-break of Alex leaving so many times. She thought back to the nights she would cry alone in her apartment and feel pathetic. She remembered how whenever she and Alex did get back together that it felt like coming home. Except now. It wasn’t that they fought. It wasn’t that they didn’t get along. Olivia was fairly certain that it wasn’t even that they didn’t love each other. But it wasn’t the same. There was no denying it wasn’t the same. Olivia sighed and knocked to let herself be known.   
“Liv,” Alex pulled out the headphones and smiled. “Come in.” Olivia closed the door behind her but was happy that they had a not-at-work-even-if-the-door-is-closed rule because she didn’t think she could handle kissing Alex before doing this.   
“I think we have to talk.” Olivia said softly. “We can meet at your apartment later if that is better.”   
“Now is fine.” Alex put her pen down and looked across the table. “Is this about Barba?” Olivia was taken aback by the question.   
“Uhm.”   
“It’s okay. I saw you two at Rollins party talking.” Alex shrugged. “It’s been pretty clear to me that you aren’t over him.”   
“I …”  
“You don’t have to explain.” Alex waved her hands. “You didn’t ever get closure. I understand that. If there is anything I understand its needing closure.”  
“It is?”  
“When I moved back I didn’t intend on coming back to SVU.” Alex explained. They hadn’t really talked about what had prompted her sudden return a few months ago. “I wasn’t happy in D.C. and I realized it was because I just left New York without closure. I mean I kept leaving but I also kept coming back. My last move felt so permanent and that felt good at first. I thought that I had to leave the city but eventually I realized I had to come back.” Alex moved around and perched on the edge of her desk. “When the job came up and I saw you again I wanted my old life back but I’ve come to realize that life is gone.”   
“Are you breaking up with me?” Olivia was surprised at Alex’s sudden speech even though she was fairly certain that she would be single by the end of the night she hadn’t expected that to come from Alex.   
“I love you Liv. I’ve loved you for sixteen years but … timing never was our friend, was it?”  
“Alex,” Olivia placed her hand on the other woman’s knee. “I - I’ve loved you for so long but …” Tears were beginning to fall down Olivia’s cheeks.   
Alex wiped away her own tears. “You have provided me with some of the best moments of my life. You have taught me so much and made me a better person. I’ll probably always love you on some level but I think we both have to accept that our lives have changed too much to keep pretending that we can fall back into old habits.” The blonde linked her fingers through Olivia’s. “Even I can tell that he’s your future.”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's done. It ended up being longer than I ever expected but it's done! Thanks for all the comments and kudos along the way. I feel like some of you won't be into the ending and others will but I hope you all enjoy the story nonetheless.

Even though it was only the early evening Barba had fallen asleep on his couch the moment he got home. He hadn’t been sleeping properly for weeks – months even. His job kept him busy and stressed out. His mother’s illness kept him worried and stressed out. His failed relationship with Olivia only added fuel to the fire. His brain never stopped thinking and processing. He hardly even tried to sleep anymore instead he dedicated those hours to working. That day it had hit him like a brick though. After his lunch with Olivia he went back to the office only to find that he couldn’t focus. His eyes were too heavy and his body ached for sleep. He took off early, flopped onto the couch, and fell asleep still in his suit. It was the sound of his phone vibrating on the coffee table that woke him up. He expected it to be his work, or his mother, but instead Olivia Benson’s name flashed across his screen. “Liv?” He answered groggily. If he had been fully awake he would have kept it more professional but the words just slipped out.   
“Were you sleeping? It’s like seven.” Olivia teased.   
“Did you just call to disturb my sleep and make fun of me?” Barba quipped back as he sat up and stretched.   
“No, I called because I was wondering if I could come over.” Olivia replied and Barba heard a hint of uncharacteristic nervousness. “I have take-out.”   
“Well in that case come on over.”   
Olivia arrived at his apartment about ten minutes later with, as promised, a bag of take-out. Barba smiled at the sight of her. He couldn’t deny that he was happy to see her twice in one day after months of essentially no contact. They served out their dinners without talking. It wasn’t until they sat opposite of each other at his small kitchen table that Barba really looked at her. Something was off. He knew that he looked like hell, his hair was messy from sleeping on the couch and he would bet anyone that his eyes resembled that of a racoon, and so he knew he was in no position to judge. It wasn’t that Olivia looked tired like he did but rather she looked sad. “So, not that I’m complaining, but what brought you over here randomly with Chinese food?”   
“I just wanted to see you.” Olivia shrugged and tried to sound casual. Barba raised an eyebrow. “Alright, I wanted to talk.”  
“About?”   
“Us.”   
“Is there an ‘us’ to talk about?” Barba put his chop sticks down and looked across at Olivia.   
“I’m sorry for how things ended.” Olivia said. “But I’m not sorry that they ended. It’s not that I don’t want to be with you but it is clear that I needed to figure things out. I should have been more open about Alex and the way things ended was awful but I clearly needed time.”  
“Did time help?”  
“Actually, it did.” Olivia replied. “When I met Alex I was really confused and throughout our relationship I was confused. I struggled with not only trying to keep my personal and professional life separate, which I know you know is hard, but also trying to figure out how I was interested in a woman. Our relationship was ... complicated to say the last. When she left there was so much left unsaid and when she came back it was hard to figure out what I was feeling.”  
“And did you figure it out?”  
“I figured out that I never had closure when it came to her and that was stopping me from getting over her even after all these years.” Olivia explained. “But over these past few months I’ve also figured out that … you’re the one I want to be with.”  
“These past few months have been … awful. I know that I ended it with you and didn’t exactly react well but … it still hurt me.” Barba sighed. “I miss you so much.”  
“Do you think we could ever … try again?”   
“I … I want to but …” Barba stood up and started to pace. “I don’t know Liv. I’m worried. I don’t think I could go through another break-up.” Olivia stood up and approached him.   
“Why would we have to break up again?”  
“Well we don’t know. It happened before and it could just as easily happen again.”   
“I get that you’re scared and I kind of am too but is that any reason to never try? Is it worth being miserable and never trying just to avoid possible heart-break in the future?” Olivia reached out tentatively and placed put her arms around the waist. The feeling of touching her again was incredible and he had missed more than he thought he did. He placed his arms around her and pressed his lips softly against hers. The kiss was brief but a moment later Olivia kissed him again. It was not brief or soft.


End file.
